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I’m home but I’m not home

Every coach can relate to being home but not actually being home.  I had a conversation with another coach yesterday. I asked how coaching and the family were. Their response was, “I’m just trying to be better at being present when I’m home.”

Every coach has physically been home but mentally you’re still in the gym, office, film, etc

Every coach has walked through the door. They have gone through the motions of greeting your kids. However, they are not actually present with them.

Meals are sometimes where your mind wanders to:

• Which player is frustrated with playing time?
• What parent email am I going to get this week?
• Are we ready for our opponent or are we about to drop a match?
• Am I pushing my team hard enough?
• Am I pushing my team too hard?
• Do I actually know what I’m doing?

Being present while coaching is a mentally challenging mindset.  We focus so much time on other people’s kids. We do this at the expense of our own. It’s really sad when you think about it.

The other night my 4th grade son read to me for about 30 minutes. When he was finished, I couldn’t tell you one thing he said.  I had totally zoned out and was thinking of a few other things I needed to do and that was coaching.  The last place in my mind was being present in his room while reading.

Once that happens, then pour on the parent guilt that you’re not giving your kids enough attention and when you do you’re subpar at that too.  It’s an endless cycle that all coaches go through.  If you’re a coach who doesn’t, please write a book on it as I’d love to read it.

So what do we do?

Keep it in check. Most things should be delegated to another staff member in your program or maybe they’re also not that important.  Staff want to help so let them.  I know we can get caught up in thinking, “I have to do this myself.”  Guess what, you’re going to burn yourself out!  Use the people you hired and allow them to rise to the challenge.

Try really hard to be present and just accept you’ll struggle and fail at it but you’ve got to try.  I may have read with my son and missed 100% of what he said but we’ll also throw a football and chat about his fantasy football team and connect there.  I was able to pepper with my daughter and talk about school and when I drive my kids around at night while I drive with the radio off so we have to fill the silence with our conversations.

Lastly, our kids are going to be OK.  My wife is a rock star and constantly shares how our kids are doing great, they love to come to my matches and they’re strong and resilient people.  They’re fine and they’ll be good.  Our parenting guilt tells us they’re not ok and that we’re the cause of it;  don’t believe it and trust those near you who tell you that too.  Your kids are awesome and will do great.